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WHAHAHAHA
Some jokes I came across from the Universal Casio Forum!
*NOTE* Extremely lengthy post.
Math Jokes:
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
And that, was for all math lovers out there. (I am a recent convert, I used to hate maths, until I joined Ms Ruby Teo's tuition class.)
Interesting But Useless Facts
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans, on the average, eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left-handed.
The animal with the most taste buds is the catfish. It has over 27,000 of them.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. That's equivalent to a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates mating by ripping the male's head off. (!!!)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish don't have brains.
Really Stupid Quotes for the Reading Pleasure of the Really Smart You
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." * Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law" * David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." * Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." * Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." * Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the companycharged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." * Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." *Former French President Charles De Gaulle
."That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." * A congressional candidate in Texas
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." *Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots.
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." * Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. (He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste".)
=D
